Glad to report that my days are numbered. At work, that is. I've officially given notice, and boy has the stress level gone down. A LOT.
I love the fact that my team leader, who is one of the main reasons I'm going (don't get me started), hasn't even acknowledged that I've given notice. At least the head of my department has sent me an email saying I'll be missed. The team leader just goes right on talking to me about things that will be deployed/happening long after I'm gone. In a meeting the other day, he started talking about how he's really excited about a new development we'll be able to use in testing our products, and how it applies specifically to my colleague and to me. Deployment estimate: August. My last day: 30th of June.
Not to mention a host of other things that have done nothing except confirm for me that this decision is the right one for me right now. My mental health is sure to bounce back. The teeth grinding has already lessened. I don't feel as worn out as I have in the past. I no longer dread Mondays. And I have a positive view of my future (which is certainly something that I haven't felt professionally for a long time).
I've still got 26 days left, which is a long time (or it SEEMS a long time). But I'm not making any plans to do more than what I need to do. I have finished going to the extreme for this company. I've finished with going beyond the call of duty. I have 13 years' worth of experience, know-how, understanding of how it all works. I know things that could only be known by someone like me because of how long I've been around, and because I listen to what people say, and I know who to ask about things, and how to ask for help from people who would tell other people to just get in line. (As an aside, I think people are willing to do things for me when I ask them because I treat them like people. There are many around here who treat their co-workers like production-line flunkies. I'd like to remind a few people around here that just because you happen to have been promoted to 'manager', it doesn't necessarily mean that you know bugger all about how to manage people, or how to lead a team. I can tell you unabashedly: you don't know squat).
I'm going to do what I must do, and that's all. I'm going to record things that are part of my job description, but when it comes to divulging all my secrets about who to talk to, and how, in order to smooth the way and sort things out, forget it.
One of my strengths is being a facilitator. I'm great at getting people to work together. And what I've come to realize is that, around here, that's not desirable.
I'd also like to quote from my most recent appraisal, from a comment from my team leader: "I see the need for [her] to progress, and her enthusiasm to gain extra experience with which to make the case for further progression when appropriate roles arise that she can apply for." I've added the emphasis here. Two and a half years in the same position, without a pay rise, nor a promotion. What is the point of working your arse off to get a great appraisal, or to ask for help with learning and development, when there isn't a chance in Hell that you're going to be promoted? OOooh. You mean I'll be ALLOWED to APPLY for a job to move up in my department, but I'd still potentially be shunted aside, just in case there's someone from outside the organization? What about that old fashioned gem -- promotion on merit? Remember that one?
He 'sees my enthusiasm to gain extra experience'. Gee. That's nice that he SEES it. But he's never done a thing to work with it, or provide any opportunities to help me move forward. And when it's been queried, he just bounces it back to my line manager, saying 'oh that's a management issue -- not something for me'.
I'm gone. Long gone. Even though I've got 26 days left. I'm well and truly gone. And I'm taking my information, my know-how, my experience, and my secret ways with me. So have a good time after I've gone, trying to figure out how it all works.
Oh. And I'll be watching the salary and career progression of my replacement with interest. I reckon that if there's a promotion, or a pay rise, before two and a half years are out, you'll be hearing from me. And one or two of my professional friends. You know - those people with the letters QC after their names?
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Tuesday, 26 May 2015
Wednesday, 4 February 2015
Kish mier en toochis...
After some quick conversation with the husband last night, and some serious thinking about what's been going on in my life recently, I've made the decision to make some decisions.
I don't have too much longer to go before I can put them in writing, but suffice it to say that it's going to be good.
It's going to mean there's going to be a lot less stress in my life, and a lot more joy (no, I'm not separating from my husband). Ha ha. See what I did there? I made a hilarious 'spouse' joke.
But it's actually the spouse who said 'you should listen to this great Freakonomics podcast - I think it'll do you some good.' And you know what? It did.
It got me thinking that what I spend my days doing has to be something that I not only LIKE doing, but that lets me use the expertise and the experience I have on a daily basis. Currently, what I'm doing could be done by a robot (see previous post on this subject), or they could save themselves a ton of cash and just get some newbie, wet-behind-the-ears recent graduate or temp to make screenshots of websites, and put up pictures on the noticeboard, or make sure that everyone gets the monthly email about passwords.
Yep. This is my job. After 25 years in business, this is the majority of my work. Sure. I have projects to work on. But I'm so busy doing administration and clean-up, that I can't find the time to actually perform any of the tasks that are supposed to show why I need to do more and be more. But I spend an inordinate amount of time putting data from one excel spreadsheet into another, and sorting it (over, and over, and OVER again) because someone somewhere (who has no idea of what I do, or how I do it) has made a decision that may see like a good idea, but doesn't bear any resemblance to reality.
Oh yes. I also love being told off by a newly hired colleague how to do my job, and why how we've always done something clearly isn't how we should still do it. Please note: I've been at my place of employment since 2002, with an 18 month break between 2005-6. So clearly I wouldn't have any experience with change, or have been through any restructures, or new 'business implementations' engineered by profit-seeking (and utter out of touch with reality) bean counters and uber-Geschäftsleute who got their MBAs and love to talk about globalization, but haven't been in the trenches in years.
I'm just done. I'm done with the stress that makes me grind my teeth at night so badly that I get headaches. I'm done with the place that raises my cortisol levels to such an extent that I get the shpilkas just walking in the front door of the place. And to run with the Yiddish here, I'm also over the schmegeggy who's made me cry twice (when I swore it would never happen). I'm an ADULT, for God's sake!
So watch this space, nu? It's all going to be great.
I don't have too much longer to go before I can put them in writing, but suffice it to say that it's going to be good.
It's going to mean there's going to be a lot less stress in my life, and a lot more joy (no, I'm not separating from my husband). Ha ha. See what I did there? I made a hilarious 'spouse' joke.
But it's actually the spouse who said 'you should listen to this great Freakonomics podcast - I think it'll do you some good.' And you know what? It did.
It got me thinking that what I spend my days doing has to be something that I not only LIKE doing, but that lets me use the expertise and the experience I have on a daily basis. Currently, what I'm doing could be done by a robot (see previous post on this subject), or they could save themselves a ton of cash and just get some newbie, wet-behind-the-ears recent graduate or temp to make screenshots of websites, and put up pictures on the noticeboard, or make sure that everyone gets the monthly email about passwords.
Yep. This is my job. After 25 years in business, this is the majority of my work. Sure. I have projects to work on. But I'm so busy doing administration and clean-up, that I can't find the time to actually perform any of the tasks that are supposed to show why I need to do more and be more. But I spend an inordinate amount of time putting data from one excel spreadsheet into another, and sorting it (over, and over, and OVER again) because someone somewhere (who has no idea of what I do, or how I do it) has made a decision that may see like a good idea, but doesn't bear any resemblance to reality.
Oh yes. I also love being told off by a newly hired colleague how to do my job, and why how we've always done something clearly isn't how we should still do it. Please note: I've been at my place of employment since 2002, with an 18 month break between 2005-6. So clearly I wouldn't have any experience with change, or have been through any restructures, or new 'business implementations' engineered by profit-seeking (and utter out of touch with reality) bean counters and uber-Geschäftsleute who got their MBAs and love to talk about globalization, but haven't been in the trenches in years.
I'm just done. I'm done with the stress that makes me grind my teeth at night so badly that I get headaches. I'm done with the place that raises my cortisol levels to such an extent that I get the shpilkas just walking in the front door of the place. And to run with the Yiddish here, I'm also over the schmegeggy who's made me cry twice (when I swore it would never happen). I'm an ADULT, for God's sake!
So watch this space, nu? It's all going to be great.
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Vinyasa
I go to yoga class every Wednesday night. My teacher is a super woman named Sara. I'm so glad I have her as a teacher.
She's funny, has great hair, good ink, and never teaches a class the same way twice. It's pretty great.
There have been times when we've done partner yoga (not my fave, but it helps put you face to face with your space issues), and then classes that have been all about balances, or hip stretches, or abs. I swear to you we once did (once the warm up was over) an entire class of pigeons. If you've done yoga, you'll know what I'm talking about.
To crib a statement my grandma used to say all the time about food, 'there are asanas that we like, and there are asanas we are learning to like.' I'm learning to like pigeons. I know they're good for me, but they're uncomfortable as hell, and about as intense of an asana as you get. However, as someone who carries a very large percentage of stress and tension in her hips, the more pigeons I get in a class, the better, really.
Tonight was a great class. Lots of vinyasa (dynamic flow) going on - it gets the blood going, and really helps me to turn my head off. I'm grateful for the time I have every Wednesday night to go.
Because part of what I'm attempting these days is to increase my mindfulness, I think the yoga really does help. I've got a few other things I'm doing (trying to focus on what I'm doing at the moment, trying to see things as they're unfolding in front of me, trying to spend time with my kids and really listen to what they're saying and to really play with them, etc.), but of lot of my mindfulness education is learning to let go.
That's the most difficult thing of all.
I'm a major control freak about a lot of stuff. I can't stand a messy house. It drives me nuts when my husband never puts his stuff away. He's constantly leaving his wallet somewhere in the house instead of always putting it in the same place, or he'll wander round trying to find his car keys, instead of putting them on the key hook. And it's like fingernails on a chalkboard when I go into my kids' rooms and find four days' worth of dirty clothes lying around (I know. It's just going to get worse.).
But where I used never to be able to go to bed without doing the dishes, now (sometimes) I can. And I've gotten a lot better about just scooping up all the junk that gets left round the house and dumping into the little green basket at the bottom of the stairs, instead of putting all their shit away for them. Now if there's something that's missing, I try to say 'Have you checked the green basket?'
So the yoga thing helps with that. It's pretty good exercise - strengthening, limbering, that sort of stuff. But a lot of it is for my mind too.
So Namaste and all that. We had a pretty good class tonight with a good extended relaxation bit at the end. I'm off to bed.
She's funny, has great hair, good ink, and never teaches a class the same way twice. It's pretty great.
There have been times when we've done partner yoga (not my fave, but it helps put you face to face with your space issues), and then classes that have been all about balances, or hip stretches, or abs. I swear to you we once did (once the warm up was over) an entire class of pigeons. If you've done yoga, you'll know what I'm talking about.
To crib a statement my grandma used to say all the time about food, 'there are asanas that we like, and there are asanas we are learning to like.' I'm learning to like pigeons. I know they're good for me, but they're uncomfortable as hell, and about as intense of an asana as you get. However, as someone who carries a very large percentage of stress and tension in her hips, the more pigeons I get in a class, the better, really.
Tonight was a great class. Lots of vinyasa (dynamic flow) going on - it gets the blood going, and really helps me to turn my head off. I'm grateful for the time I have every Wednesday night to go.
Because part of what I'm attempting these days is to increase my mindfulness, I think the yoga really does help. I've got a few other things I'm doing (trying to focus on what I'm doing at the moment, trying to see things as they're unfolding in front of me, trying to spend time with my kids and really listen to what they're saying and to really play with them, etc.), but of lot of my mindfulness education is learning to let go.
That's the most difficult thing of all.
I'm a major control freak about a lot of stuff. I can't stand a messy house. It drives me nuts when my husband never puts his stuff away. He's constantly leaving his wallet somewhere in the house instead of always putting it in the same place, or he'll wander round trying to find his car keys, instead of putting them on the key hook. And it's like fingernails on a chalkboard when I go into my kids' rooms and find four days' worth of dirty clothes lying around (I know. It's just going to get worse.).
But where I used never to be able to go to bed without doing the dishes, now (sometimes) I can. And I've gotten a lot better about just scooping up all the junk that gets left round the house and dumping into the little green basket at the bottom of the stairs, instead of putting all their shit away for them. Now if there's something that's missing, I try to say 'Have you checked the green basket?'
So the yoga thing helps with that. It's pretty good exercise - strengthening, limbering, that sort of stuff. But a lot of it is for my mind too.
So Namaste and all that. We had a pretty good class tonight with a good extended relaxation bit at the end. I'm off to bed.
Monday, 26 January 2015
The Grind
So I've posted before about the headaches I get. I call them monsters. And they really are. Horrible things, and I can sort of tell that they're coming. I'm one of those lucky people who tend to get them monthly. However, I can get them any time, so it's not like I can take prophylactic measures, as if I'm a werewolf, and I just need penning up every time there's a full moon.
I've been to the GP to try to figure this out. The suggestion is that I should take ibuprofen two days before my 'cycle' starts (sounds like I'm getting ready to go out on my Triumph Thunderbird for a spin) to head off the headache. But I can't. Because regularity hasn't been something I associate with myself recently.
There's a possibility that it's related to 'hormonal fluctuation', to use GP-speak, and so the topic of hormone replacement of one kind or another was brought up. Regulate the hormones, and then I'll know when it's coming, and can medicate in advance.
Except I can't. Because I'm too old (no COCs for those over 40), and because COCs are a major no-no for anyone who gets migraines.
Did you know that migraineurs (well, officially I'm a migraineuse) have a slightly higher risk of stroke that people who don't get 'em? And if you get aura with 'em, the risk is even higher? I know. It just gets better and better (thanks WHO, for that info).
Anyway - I can't regulate, so I can't anticipate. And if I can't anticipate, I can't medicate.
I feel like I'm in an INXS video.
So I've been prescribed meds to take when the headaches hit. And believe me, they hit. For people who don't get migraines, there's just no explaining the pain. I have had two caesarean sections. I'd rather have more of those than a migraine.
It's almost impossible to function in the middle of a migraine, and yet just because I have them doesn't mean that I can bunk off work, stop being a mom, not cook dinner, stop doing laundry -- stop my life. There are still a zillion things that need doing and having a migraine hasn't got bugger all to do with not doing all those things.
So I've asked about pain meds, hormone therapy, I've kept a food diary, stopped drinking booze, limited my caffeine, sworn off pungent cheeses -- you name it. And still they come.
Then my jaw started hurting a couple weeks ago. Properly hurting. But I'd had a four-day headache, and a bit of earache to go along with it. Was pretty sure that it was just the preamble to winter illness. But I went to the dentist, thinking I hadn't been in a while, and maybe I had a cavity.
And the dentist, after a quick X-ray (no cavities), asked a few questions about what it felt like, and then came out with TMJ as a possible reason for the jaw ache.
Have you ever seen one of those films where the protagonist realizes something, and there's this great cinematic blur of the images whipping through the mind of the main character as they put all the puzzle pieces together to eventually end up exactly where they are Right Now, where the Solution To The Issue That's Been Plaguing Them is Suddenly Revealed?
That was me.
When I was 11, I had braces. And headgear. And so while I have straight teeth and no overbite now, what I have is a horrible clicking jaw (the husband said the sound of it was practically a deal breaker). And then in 2010 when I was pregnant and at my dentist appointment, I was told that the dentist could see microscopic cracks in my teeth, which indicated that I was grinding my teeth at night. So I was made a tooth guard to wear at night, which I brought home from the dentist and promptly forgot about after the second child was born.
But my mom found something out - she's found a whole bunch of info about how bruxism is related to headache. A Whole Bunch. And bruxism is related to anxiety and stress. Very Related. (NB: Thanks, gaggle of GPs, who've NEVER suggested this throughout my 8 year quest to figure out why I get headaches - much obliged).
The headaches started in 2006, when I worked for a company that I hated so badly I came home and cried every night. Stress? Yep. Did I have anxiety issues in 2007 after my first kid was born? Sure did. Am I a worrywort (2003-present)? You betcha.
So I dug around in the closet, found the tooth guard, and I've been wearing it based on the recommendation of the dentist (and my mom) who said if I've got it, I should be wearing it. And to go for a good fortnight to see if I notice any difference. And that she reckons the sore jaw, the earache, and the grinding are all related.
Maybe these headaches, while still clearly linked to Diana, may abate a bit by my wearing my bit of kit when I sleep. So far I'm two nights in, 12 to go.
We'll see what happens.
I've been to the GP to try to figure this out. The suggestion is that I should take ibuprofen two days before my 'cycle' starts (sounds like I'm getting ready to go out on my Triumph Thunderbird for a spin) to head off the headache. But I can't. Because regularity hasn't been something I associate with myself recently.
There's a possibility that it's related to 'hormonal fluctuation', to use GP-speak, and so the topic of hormone replacement of one kind or another was brought up. Regulate the hormones, and then I'll know when it's coming, and can medicate in advance.
Except I can't. Because I'm too old (no COCs for those over 40), and because COCs are a major no-no for anyone who gets migraines.
Did you know that migraineurs (well, officially I'm a migraineuse) have a slightly higher risk of stroke that people who don't get 'em? And if you get aura with 'em, the risk is even higher? I know. It just gets better and better (thanks WHO, for that info).
Anyway - I can't regulate, so I can't anticipate. And if I can't anticipate, I can't medicate.
I feel like I'm in an INXS video.
So I've been prescribed meds to take when the headaches hit. And believe me, they hit. For people who don't get migraines, there's just no explaining the pain. I have had two caesarean sections. I'd rather have more of those than a migraine.
It's almost impossible to function in the middle of a migraine, and yet just because I have them doesn't mean that I can bunk off work, stop being a mom, not cook dinner, stop doing laundry -- stop my life. There are still a zillion things that need doing and having a migraine hasn't got bugger all to do with not doing all those things.
So I've asked about pain meds, hormone therapy, I've kept a food diary, stopped drinking booze, limited my caffeine, sworn off pungent cheeses -- you name it. And still they come.
Then my jaw started hurting a couple weeks ago. Properly hurting. But I'd had a four-day headache, and a bit of earache to go along with it. Was pretty sure that it was just the preamble to winter illness. But I went to the dentist, thinking I hadn't been in a while, and maybe I had a cavity.
And the dentist, after a quick X-ray (no cavities), asked a few questions about what it felt like, and then came out with TMJ as a possible reason for the jaw ache.
Have you ever seen one of those films where the protagonist realizes something, and there's this great cinematic blur of the images whipping through the mind of the main character as they put all the puzzle pieces together to eventually end up exactly where they are Right Now, where the Solution To The Issue That's Been Plaguing Them is Suddenly Revealed?
That was me.
When I was 11, I had braces. And headgear. And so while I have straight teeth and no overbite now, what I have is a horrible clicking jaw (the husband said the sound of it was practically a deal breaker). And then in 2010 when I was pregnant and at my dentist appointment, I was told that the dentist could see microscopic cracks in my teeth, which indicated that I was grinding my teeth at night. So I was made a tooth guard to wear at night, which I brought home from the dentist and promptly forgot about after the second child was born.
But my mom found something out - she's found a whole bunch of info about how bruxism is related to headache. A Whole Bunch. And bruxism is related to anxiety and stress. Very Related. (NB: Thanks, gaggle of GPs, who've NEVER suggested this throughout my 8 year quest to figure out why I get headaches - much obliged).
The headaches started in 2006, when I worked for a company that I hated so badly I came home and cried every night. Stress? Yep. Did I have anxiety issues in 2007 after my first kid was born? Sure did. Am I a worrywort (2003-present)? You betcha.
So I dug around in the closet, found the tooth guard, and I've been wearing it based on the recommendation of the dentist (and my mom) who said if I've got it, I should be wearing it. And to go for a good fortnight to see if I notice any difference. And that she reckons the sore jaw, the earache, and the grinding are all related.
Maybe these headaches, while still clearly linked to Diana, may abate a bit by my wearing my bit of kit when I sleep. So far I'm two nights in, 12 to go.
We'll see what happens.
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