Captain Kirk

Kobayashi Maru? Yeah, I beat that.

Have you ever noticed that Captain James T. Kirk is (mostly) a man of action, but that he can be cerebral, too? And the reason he's the captain of the USS Enterprise is because of how he makes his decisions.

Oh, sure. He's reckless at times; he trusts his gut instinct; and he doesn't give a crap about your diplomatic precedence -- he's gonna shoot you a look that says 'I told you so' when you've ignored the warning about not beaming down to the planet's surface, and then when you're surprised to be told you've been chosen as a casualty and you've got 24 hours to report to a disintegration booth, he STILL saves your sorry ass.

But the point is that he's good at making decisions, most of the time. And by that, I mean USUALLY; like 99% of the time. He's THAT good.

Captain Kirk doesn't care two hoots if people like him or not (well, except the lay-deez). He can't be bothered to determine if what he's about to do might honk people off, or get the gossip mill turning. He just DOESN'T care. He does what he thinks is the right thing to do.

And I've been wondering a lot lately about the decisions that people make, and why they make those decisions. And I've been wondering about people who stay with a job/person/hairstyle/etc. because they're worried about what people may think if they DON'T stay.

I'm not suggesting that you throw it all away, or give it up to trek the planet in search of your SELF while your bank balance diminishes exponentially by the day, or while your family wonders what the hell happened to you when you went out for milk and never returned.

But what I AM suggesting is that maybe we can all try to be a little more true to ourselves, and maybe a bit more understanding of others, especially when we look at how people choose to live their lives. Sometimes the decisions that people make that seem hair-brained are pretty courageous. (I'm also aware that some decisions people make are stupid, selfish decisions, but that's for another post...)

People are afraid. Really, really, afraid. Afraid of change, being alone, the shit-eye, disapproval, less money, more responsibility, being stuck, having to move, trying sushi, bad guys, blah, blah, blah. We ALL are afraid. And it's OK to be afraid.

But it's also OK to say, 'the HELL with being afraid', and then bleaching your hair platinum blond, or throwing in the towel on the horrible relationship you've been in for a zillion years, or going to a yoga class even though you're the fattest person in the room. Sometimes it's just about making the decision. You can always decide tomorrow what you're going to do next.  Right now, it's just about making that first move, and deciding to DO something. You can always dye your hair back, or find a new boyfriend, or invest in your very own yoga mat tomorrow. Right now - just go for it. There is something YOU can do to affect your life for the better.

I think what I'm afraid of is waiting until the last minute to decide to do something. (NB: deciding to do something is good, even if it's at the last minute). But then I think about all those years where I'd have missed out on enjoying the fruits of making that one decision. It's the feeling I equate with climbing up the ladder of the enormously tall diving platform, and inching my way out to the edge, and realizing that I have to jump. I can't go back down; I've got to go OFF THE END...

Someone I used to know a long time ago used to just let out a huge, guttural 'COME ON!' and then dive into life. He made some seriously scary decisions, for him. And it got him into a lot of hot water, at times. But he was true to what he preached. And I admire that.

Kirk never lets on that he's afraid. You only see him sweat when he's been pummeling the baddie into submission when they're trying to take over his ship, or keep him from saving this episode's hot chick. You don't ever see the thin film of perspiration on his upper lip when he's faced with a situation that would make the rest of us shit our pants, and then bawl for our mommies.

But it's there. He's just as scared as the rest of us. The difference is, Jim doesn't let it get the best of him.

Kirk out.

Ship Ahoy

The countdown has begun. While I'm certainly going to miss the way that certain things have been, I'm also really looking forward to the way that things COULD be, because it's been a long time since I have anticipated something in this way.

I wonder, though, what it will be like when I'm presented with a blank slate? The 'tabula raza' aspect of what's about to happen is daunting at the same time that it's inviting; the unknown is supposed to be exciting - to provide the adrenaline rush that encourages movement forward.

While what I'm about to embark upon certainly isn't something that equates to my sitting down and have a quick but judicious read of The Art of War,  it has made me think about things that have, and haven't, motivated me in the past. It's also made me realize that I can be particularly immature about various things. While I'm convinced that part of this immaturity is something I come by genetically, I've done some work on trying to stifle those parts of my cell makeup that lend themselves to hysterical denial of responsibility of things that are truly my fault.

With this in mind, though, I do feel as though I have a small (but present) ability to perhaps look at what I'm about to do, and where I'm about to go, and make some decisions and choices about how I want to be perceived, how I want to function, and what I want to accomplish.

I'm rather sure that I'll never be a heavy hitter in any aspect of my life. But I'm looking forward with relish to sinking my teeth into some new things, and some new experiences, and to learning how to become a new person professionally.

I mentioned over the weekend to the person I love best in the world that, while I may be crap at lots of things, I can sure as hell cook.

I'd like to think that I'm going to be pretty darned good at doing what I'm about to set out to do, as well. It appears that I'm going to have some people who are very willing to help, teach, encourage, and support me. It's been a long time since I've felt that way.

We'll see how it all goes.

These are trying times...

I've been reading a book called All Consuming by Neal Lawson. The screamer is 'How shopping got us into this mess and how we can find our way out. So obviously cheerful from the start.

But the thing that I continue to ruminate over as I read chapter after chapter is that I can't actually fathom that there are people out there that fit the descriptions of people in this book. The sorts of people who actually make sure that their babies have completely new everything - clothes, shoes, toys, furniture, doo-dads, bottles, etc. The kind of people that REALLY throw away a kettle or a microwave because it was 'out of date after a few years' (Journal of Consumer Policy 27, 421-49). The sort of people who don't ever reuse, recycle, etc. People who never think, when they buy that cheap item of clothing/whatever, about what that cheapness may mean to the person, somewhere, who made that cheap thing so that it could be purchased in a nice, clean, spacious, western store.

I'm honest about the fact that I love (LOVE) IKEA. I do. I'm a HUGE fan of organizational furniture, and IKEA is exactly that. PLUS, they've got organizational units that can be used in CONJUNCTION with their organizational furniture. Bliss, right? And I have some of their furniture in my home.

But I also have furniture in my home that has been handed down through three generations, bought at an auction house, brought home as a hand-me-down, scooped up from a dumpster or skip on the side of the road. I'm surrounded by items purchased in charity shops and second-hand stores. I wear dead people's clothing (Thanks, Kinky Friedman).  And I buy old clothes, and I create new things out of them - bags, pillows, stuffed animals.

My children have both slept in a cot acquired from Freecycle. We've bought a new mattress for each kid because cleanliness and health can be an issue. But the cot itself has had at LEAST four other kids sleep in it, and if I've got anything to do with it, I'll pass it along to someone else who'll need a cot soon for their kid. My kids have also worn clothes that have been passed around between groups of friends who've all had kids on a rotating schedule. We see pictures of our kids, and know what year it is by the clothes they're wearing. And we've rotated toys, pushchairs, car seats, foldable buggies, bottles, cups, sleeping bags, swimming suits, etc.

I know people who've spent over 4000 GPB on their children between birth and two years old, not including child care costs. I think that I may have spent about 400 GBP on BOTH my children between birth and two years old.

And I'm sitting here, in a chair I got from Freecycle, and had recovered, with my feet on a footstool (that my mother-in-law recovered for me) that I acquired when I moved into the first house I bought. I have my coffee cup sitting on a coffee table given to my by a friend who had to move his dad out of the family house and into care. And the basket holding my firewood was salvaged out of a dumpster - in perfect condition. Two out of my four lamps in this room are hand-me-downs.

My slippers, yoga trousers and t-shirt pre-date my oldest child. There's a pillow on my chair made out of a t-shirt that had a D-train (Bronx to Brooklyn) logo on it. And I just sewed up a hole in some school tights for my daughter to wear to school tomorrow, instead of binning them.

Are you seeing a link here? It's not that I'm cheap (although I CAN be; it's in my genes). It's because I somehow also inherited the philosophy that it's actually OK to 'make do and mend', as they say here in the UK. My grandparents all went through the Depression, and then through the post-war years of penny-pinching that was necessary. And I remember thinking how silly it was when my Grandma used to scrape every last bit of chocolate brownie dough out of the mixing bowl with the spatula. But now, of course, I realize that by doing so, you get ONE MORE BROWNIE. It's that simple.

By sewing up that pair of tights, maybe there's one less thing that gets chucked into landfill. And while I know that IKEA provides jobs to so many people, maybe by my having a hand-me-down coffee table instead of a flat-pack one, I get to have something that's been around for a long time, meant something to someone once, and maybe saved one tree out there, somewhere. And maybe it also saved a tiny bit of petrol, and a tiny bit of energy in not having to move that one extra flat-pack coffee table to my local IKEA warehouse.

When I do buy something new, I'm going to continue to see if I can't find it made by someone local, or someone who might be trying to start a new business, or maybe from a local auction house, so that someone's memories don't get thrown into the huge container marked 'Wood and Timber' at the local recycling centre. With the holiday season fast approaching, and shops gearing up for that major consumer outpouring of professed love and affection-based spending, I don't think I'm going to participate that much this year. I'd rather check out my local craft fair, and buy something that someone actually made, by someone who lives within 20 miles of where I live. (NB: I KNOW that there are people who buy the lovely shawls made by Nepalese women who need to make money, and resell them on to people here - I respect that. But I need to support people out there who are making things closer to home).

A few other things to think about: Libraries. Local post offices (if there are any left!). Local INDEPENDENT shops. Just because you've got a WHSmith to hand, doesn't mean you have to go there. Use your local library instead. Between 1987 and 1997, almost 90 per cent of local councils in the UK reduced access to their public library services (Sheffield University's Centre for the Public Library in the Information Society, 1999). Use your local post office. They sell stamps, but they also sell lots of other things - greeting cards, wrapping paper, bits and pieces you always need; the people who work at your local post office know more than you could ever believe. USE THEM. And use the local indie shops. Buy your magazines from the local newsagent - not the chain supermarket. And consider the local deli, sandwich shop, jewellery store, knitting shop, butcher, breakfast joint, frame store. These are the places, and people, who make your community unique, and wonderful. By supporting them, you're keeping your money in the community, and you're helping the village or town you live in thrive. And that says a lot.

I know Mr Tesco and Mr Sainsbury need to make their shareholders happy, but maybe instead it would be OK to shop at the Coop, or Waitrose. I'll bet you never knew that Waitrose was employee-owned, did you? Don't give in to the hype that it always has to be bigger, or better, or newer, or shinier. I'm proud of my old, slightly beat-up car. And I'm proud that I sew up holes in tights, have a compost bin, grow veggies, sew costumes for my kids, knit baby blankets.

Surely I'm not alone?

The Waiting Game, Part 2

Just a fast few thoughts tonight.

Glad the election is over, and I'm glad that President Obama has been reelected. There are some seriously grouchy people out there who are being very vocal about the election result, and some comments are funny, and some are disturbing. At this moment, I'm not quite sure how to respond, or if a response is even necessary.

There is much work ahead for the POTUS - I found it rather telling to see how grey he has become, when comparing pictures from yesterday and today with pictures from 2008. The job is obviously one that takes its toll. I applaud the tenacity of ANY POTUS in the last 60 years.

There is much thinking to do on my part. What role to I play in my country's place in the world? As an American abroad, I have always felt the need to defend my country to those I encounter through my days and years living in Europe. There have been times when my voice has been smaller than it is today - previous incarnations of the POTUS have not induced me to be explicit about the glories of the US; perhaps, with another four years of Obama ahead, I may choose to raise my volume level, albeit slightly.

I recently made it about halfway through Democracy in America, which seems an important book to read in order to come close to understanding the inner workings of how the American government was set up. Let me be understood, however, that it is NOT about how the American government necessarily works NOW. The educated men who set up the three branches of the American government would only catch a glimpse of what they started 200+ years ago; intrinsically, it still exists, but only in the same way that the cornerstone of an immense skyscraper is visible to those who take the time to seek it, away from the captivating heights of the uppermost floors.

Otherwise, American politics has succumbed to the same tactics used by the reality-type, shock-value media that so many people seem to think is normal. And I'm guilty, to an extent, of buying into it. I had to engage in a forcible shut-down last night, in order to stop re-reading the same announcements (disguised as 'news') from pundits the world over, each continuing to inform me about 'how close the race was', and how 'Romney was a clear leader' in the election. I finally got tired of the sameness of the message, and went to bed.

Perhaps that may be part of the problem - the sameness of the message. The sameness of every message, every day.

I remember reading a book many years ago - something to do with finding happiness. It was a small book - the kind you find on the back of the toilet in the bathroom - with small, single, easily consumed tit-bits on each page about how to be happy. And the one I remember the most is the one suggesting a 'news fast.'

What a brilliant idea. Considering the bombardment that's possible, via any number of methods, of the constant messaging of what we are 'told' is newsworthy, it's a wonder to me that so few of us lose our marbles. And while I understand that so many people use FB because it's where they feel they'll be heard, I applaud the friend of mine who so eloquently said, 'Just when I thought I had hid enough feed....whether you are happy or upset this morning, if you are nasty about it I can't take it.'

I'm not suggesting we all hide our heads in the sand. That's irresponsible. But what I do suggest is aiming for at least one day a week where a news fast is the order of the day. And it's OK to post something on FB that's NOT about politics, or people being nasty to other people, or people doing something horrible to (fill in the blank), etc.

I recently read a story about a guy who came out of a shopping centre to find a note on his windscreen from a stranger - a note that read 'Noticed you need new tires. Take this receipt to the tire store down the street and get some. It's all paid for. Pass it on.'

Things like this DO happen. And that's news.

The Waiting Game

So tonight is Election Eve. There are so many things flying around the internets, and everyone has a video they want you to see, to prove some sort of point about one POTUS candidate or the other. Each camp has their good, and their not-so-good points. I know how I feel, and I know how I voted. But here's something I don't understand:

Somehow, the separation of Church and State has suddenly become not separate. I watched (albeit over someone's shoulder) a video of a preacher in a church welcoming a Cambridge-graduate Theologian (who also holds a degree from Harvard) as a guest speaker. And the preacher says to his audience that they need to tune out the rhetoric and the mainstream media, and that they need to VOTE WITH THEIR BIBLES.

Now, you can call me a leftist Commie pinko, or a radical Marxist Socialist Terrorist (the latter is what my uncle calls President Obama), but I thought that politics was supposed to be a separate institution from religion, and that people WEREN'T supposed to vote (or make policy) with their Bible.

There are so many things about American politics that drive me crazy, but using religion as a basis for why (or why not) policy should (or should not) be put into place, or turned into law, takes the cake. The number of people who think that American domestic political issues should be discussed and decisions about those issues made on the basis of how a religious text is SUBJECTIVELY interpreted are the SAME people who get all fired up about the dangers of America being overrun by The Infidel/The Arab/The Terrorist/The FOREIGNER.

I am closely related to people who actually think that the current POTUS harbours a secret agenda to try to make Islam the established religion in America. In reality, there is, and never WILL be, an established official religion in America. Because the founding fathers guaranteed that one of the main criteria for America to succeed as a free nation was that all its citizens had to enjoy the freedom to practice whatever religion they chose. It was the religious persecution that drove the first immigrants to seek America's shores back in the 17th century.

So now there are people who want to establish rules and regulations about who can practice what religion, about who can do what to their bodies, and when, about what can be taught in schools, and what can't. And these rules and regulations stem from a subjective interpretation of a religious text.

And these same Americans can't see their similarity to the tiny percentage of The Other (who've given Muslims the world over a bad name) who have also made decisions affecting others that are based on subjective interpretations of a religious text. These Americans don't notice their own reactionary methods and statements. And they don't see that they are in danger of becoming the same sort of society that those immigrants who sought freedom from persecution chose to leave all those hundreds of years ago.

While there will never be a world that is completely free of a fear of The Other, there have been moments in time where The Other has been seen as different, but not Different; as something perhaps to be investigated and discovered, not vilified and persecuted.

So I voted. And I believe in my heart that I voted for the candidate who chooses to help the American people move forward within the global community, and within their own country. I voted for the candidate whose campaign speeches don't ring with promises to exclude, restrict, deny, forbid. I voted for the candidate who seems to represent policy that includes, engages, offers, and allows.

Good luck, Mr. President. I'm with you.

Plenty of Loot

Not a bad night for Trick or Treating. The weather held up for just about the whole time out there, with the rain only starting to spit as we loaded up to go home.

Halloween is slowly making its way into the UK culture, albeit with some serious protests from various people in our neighbourhood. As dedicated Halloween aficionados, we don't pull any punches in this house. It's important to let people know if you're open for the business of Trick or Treat. A few hot tips for those not on the inside:

1. If you want people to come to your door, put on your porch light.
2. If you want to be popular around town, make at least a small effort with the decorations.
3. If you’ve got a jack-o-lantern on display, expect the doorbell to ring.
4. Don’t give out shit candy. Get the good stuff.

That's about all it really takes.

Although a Creepy Sounds of the Haunted House CD never hurts.

Serious Spilkas

First blog of ever. Perched on the sofa with a cup of decaf just made. Now we shall see how to make things pretty and interesting.

I've been spending most of today with serious spilkas. While I'm happy to admit that it's all my own fault, I do wonder what life would be like without feeling constantly worked up or worried about something. I'm seriously desperate for the job thing to happen, and I can't remember being this excited about what I don't know in a very long time. I suspect that's part of the spilkas.

Ideally, this job thing will happen, and I can knock the last six+ years on the head and move forward into doing something that may just be a better fit, period. It's a weird feeling, because it's not like I don't LIKE doing what I'm doing; I do. But regardless of what goes on, or what doesn't, or things I do correctly, or things I don't, I don't honestly feel like I've actually learned anything new in years.

I read a great quote the other day, although no one seems to know who actually said it - 'Doing the same thing again and again while expecting different results -- THAT'S insanity.' That somehow feels like my life in a nutshell. While I continue to try to make what I do fun and interesting, I simply can't get my head around the fact that they aren't interested. AT ALL. And that's fine. Logically, I understand. But emotionally, I don't. I like to see how things start out, and how the process changes the raw materials, which then become the result of the initial idea, and hopefully the result is what was foreseen, or hoped for, or even better than what was hoped for. But instead, it feels like a terrible uphill struggle. And the uphill struggle is something I've done to myself.

I think that I finally understand that in order to be successful where I am, I'll have to actually change who I am. But in reality, it seems so much simpler to change what I do every day.

With this in mind, I'm now off to do a bunch of yoga pranayamas (kapalabhati, anyone?) and positive visualizations. It can't hurt, but it can help eliminate the spilkas. That will be a good starting point.